It's all coming back to me
by brittekit
Summary: Draco, Hermione, a riddled speech from Dumbledore, a Time-turner, a very wise Ginny, a coming war and a very complicated love story...
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

"""""""At the end of 6th year, when the war had broken out…""""""

 _(Everything is mostly in Hermione's pov)_

" _No, you can't go back there, they'll kill you… " I had already been crying so hard, it was hard to open my eyes. They felt big and numb, like they were taped shut. I had never cried so hard in my life._

 _The Deatheaters had just gotten into Hogwarts through the vanishing cabinet and Snape had just killed Dumbledore and everything was just total chaos.. Before the chaos, Draco had tried to destroy the cabinet after fixing it, but failed to do so in time as well as failing to save Dumbledore. We had been working on a plan for months, but when the Deatheaters decided to attack Hogwarts sooner than planned, everything went totally wrong. Before Snape came up to the tower and killed him, Dumbledore told me his speech about time, very similar to the one he gave me in third year, and wished me luck. I knew exactly what to do after that…_

" _I love you, Granger, I do, very much, but I can't just leave my family there… and I can't put you in anymore danger. I have to go. If I don't go back, he'll just kill them instead and then he'll come after you. Maybe if I go back, I can save you and my family. If I have to die for that, then so be it. I have to do this, or he's going to kill you."_

 _Draco had gotten a task and failed… Not only fail, but he had betrayed Voldemort and had been working against him… Voldemort would know… Draco would not live to see another day if he goes back… why did he have to go and play the hero all of a sudden?! He would die for me?! What the hell, I don't want that!_

" _I'm going. You go to the order and be safe… I love you Granger, I always will, but I have to do this. I'm sorry. I will never regret anything about this year or about us. You saved me and my soul, Granger_ _…_ _My wonderful Granger..._ _"_ _We kissed each other goodbye.._

 _I watched my love walk away and I never felt so much pain then right at that moment..., because I knew he wasn't coming back… I would never see him again. He would be dead before dawn… and I couldn't live with that.._

" _The Time-turner is my only option. Dumbledore had hinted at it before… Maybe if I altered it a bit, with a spell or something, I could go back further that a few hours or days. Maybe I can put myself back into my own body a whole year back… Maybe…. I have to try and then… I have to let go.. so he can live… It's safer for both of us…"_

" _I love you Draco… Goodbye.."_

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Trailer for this story...

watch?v=9PQjU_2ISks&feature=


	2. When I see you like that

**When I see you like that…**

There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed, if I just listened to it right outside the window  
There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this, And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit, that it's all coming back to me  
When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but, it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you want me like this, and if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me, I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper  
There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this, and when you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this, and when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and **when I see you like that**  
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this, If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

" _I can't believe 6_ _th_ _year was starting already. All those years had gone by so fast..._ " That's what I said…, the first time around… When my whole life got turned upside down… This time has to be different.. Even if it means giving up de love of my life… I still couldn't believe my spell worked. We had already started searching for the horcruxes when I was still, secretly, working on the spell, when I heard his name on the radio, among the casualties… After that I was more determined than anything to make it work. And now here I am, starting 6th year all over again...

We were on the train to Hogwarts and everywhere I look, the memories were just overflowing me. I had already been here at this exact moment. This is where it all started.. When I saw Malfoy walking towards the compartment, where the prefects meeting was held, at the end of the hall, I just got hit with remembering… feeling… loving… and most of all pain…

I had to go to that same prefects meeting, but I had to wait until he was inside, cause otherwise I would run into him and everything would start again the way it started before…

From a distance, I just watched him and remembered…

" _ **Flashback"**_

 _I was reading Hogwarts: A History again when suddenly I bumped into something hard and dropped the book along with some others I was holding._

" _Watch were the hell you're going Granger!" Got your face attached to a book again have you… why does that not surprise me…I think you could do with a little fun every once in a while, since you clearly lack that in your life…" He smirked while I was picking up my books._

 _I had just been in a fight with Ron and I really wasn't in the mood for the ferret. I just blew up. It was basically more in general that I was mad at the world, he just got in the way so I took it out on him…_

" _Oh bugger off Malfoy, no one cares what you think. And I have more than enough fun, thank you very much! Reading a book is also fun for me, learning new things is fun for me. You don't know a damn thing about me Malfoy, so don't act like you know what's good for me! And why would you care about what I need anyway? Don't you want me gone? Vanished from the world? Isn't that what YOUR side is fighting a war for? Isn't that what all you Deatheaters want?!" I didn't even mean to say all those things, didn't even mean them at all, it just came out…_

 _He looked at me and suddenly his expression got very dark …_

" _Just like you say, I don't know you, Granger, you don't know shit about me either, so keep comments like THAT to yourself!"_

 _He tried to push passed me, but I suddenly felt very bad for saying what I said, so I did something very unexpected to both of us, I took his hand in mine, to stop him from walking away. He turned and looked at our touching hands and then at me.._

" _I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't even mean it. Let's just forget I said that alright, I apologize. I'm also sorry for bumping into you, I wasn't looking where I was going. I'll watch out next time." I smiled at him and let go of his hand. I had just apologized to Malfoy! To Malfoy! Of all people! What the hell is wrong with me? Oh my god I'm still looking at him, why am I still looking at him? Because he's still looking at me._ _The words just came fluttering out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them:_ _"_ _I hope we can put our difference aside this year. I don't want to keep fighting over stupid things. Let's just try to get along, okay?" Where did that come from?_ _His features are soft.. Not his usual smirk in place. He looks so beautiful, angelic almost. I suddenly noticed that our hands were still intertwined… I thought I let go? Wait, I did let go. Malfoy was holding my hand now. I heard other people approaching the compartment and the moment we were having, looking at each other, was gone… He gave me a quick nod and said "It's fine Granger, let's just get to the meeting okay._ _We'll see how the year goes..._ _" He let go of my hand and walked into the compartment. I was still a little mesmerized by everything I was feeling at that moment. That was very weird, but also exiting.. After a few seconds of just standing there, I walked in after him…_

" _ **End Flashback"**_

That is where it all began between the two of us. That was the turning point that defined the course of the entire year, the relationship between him and me, and eventually his soon-to-be death…

I see him go in and the moment that would have been, is over… I changed it… None of it ever happened, it exists now only in my thoughts, my memories, of a year that did not happen… A love that would never be…

After realizing this, I couldn't bring myself to go in to the compartment. I just broke down crying. So much pain. My heart was broken and burning. I couldn't stop crying… I just ran to the nearest bathroom and decided to just stay there until we reached Hogwarts, or when I would be able to stop the tears from falling… I had to stop doing this. I had to stop remembering. I had to banish all thoughts about Malfoy, about us…, our love, I just had to, or I would never stop crying...

When I started to run, I didn't notice the pair of beautiful silver-blue eyes watching me from a distance…

 _Draco's pov_

What the hell was that all about? Why was Granger watching me like that? She looked like she was in pain or something… And now she was suddenly running the other way after she watched me go in to the compartment… ? I could see she was crying… What the bloody hell is going on with her?!

During the whole meeting, I couldn't stop my mind from wandering to the know-it-all Gryffindor and where she was. She was a prefect to, so she should be here… Why was she not here? It's not like Granger to miss things like this….

Great! Why the hell am I so distracted about this? Granger is none of my business. I shouldn't care that she is not here. I've got enough problems of my own to worry about…

Still, it's something to keep an eye on…

 _Hermione's pov_

When we arrived at Hogwarts, I looked absolutely horrid. I had been crying in the bathroom all the way down here. Once I ran into the bathroom, I just couldn't bring myself to come out. Ron and Harry are probably wondering where I am…

When I was out of the train, I couldn't help but look around for Draco. When my eyes found him, I wish I had just looked away. I was met with a dirty scowl when he looked back at me. That scowl hurt more than I wanted to admit. The last time I saw him, he was looking at me with so much love and adoration in his eyes and the look I just got was so far away from that, that the pain inside me was almost too hard to bear . This year was going to be so much harder than I had anticipated.

Everywhere I went, I looked for Draco and he started to notice. Other people started to notice to. Other people like Ginny and Luna… I had to stop looking at him. His facial features were starting to soften more and more, every time he caught me looking at him... Feelings were starting to form just like they had the first time around. It wasn't love or even infatuation yet, but more like curiosity and perhaps a longing… And I just couldn't let that happen. I was nothing but trouble for him from the start. We should have just stopped in the first place when things started to get more serious, more than sex, more than friends with benefits, more than hate.. when it became love. We knew how dangerous it was for both of us. We should have found other ways, maybe ask someone for help. We should have known we couldn't do it all by ourselves. But we were stubborn and we wanted to prove that we didn't need other people, who would probably never except us as a couple.

In the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder if we would ever find each other again? After the war maybe, when all the chaos had died down… I mean, if we were really meant to be, like we thought, isn't that how it would work? We would be together eventually…? Pfff, well with how faith and karma works, eventually could very well be when we are old and grey… After the war if he would not be in Azkaban for crimes committed, he would probably be married off to some pureblood skank. And not knowing what happened before … what we had… he would probably do it without question… That would quite possibly kill me…

After a month of looking at him and him noticing, I think he got fed up with it… I was sitting in the great hall one morning, about a month after school started and I was staring again and all of a sudden he was staring back at me. Bloody hell… I got up and ran out as fast as I could. Half way down the corridor, I heard his voice…

"Alright Granger, you tell me what the hell is going on, right now! Why the bloody hell do you keep staring at me like that?!"

Oops…


	3. It was gone with the wind

**It was gone with the wind…**

There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed, if I just listened to it right outside the window  
There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this, And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit, that it's all coming back to me  
When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but, it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you want me like this, and if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me, I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper  
There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this, and when you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that  
 **It was gone with the wind** , but it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this, and when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this, If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

"I'm sure I have no idea what you are talking about, Malfoy." There was that scowl on his face again. I guess the curiosity was making him angry now…

"The hell you do, Granger! I see how you keep staring at me! Something is going on and I want to know what, right now!"

"Honestly Malfoy, you have finally lost it. There is nothing going on, really. I'm just… worried… I guess." His face softened a bit.

"Why would you worry? What the hell are you worried about then?"

"Well I've noticed you getting thinner and you look so tired all the time… and I don't know, I guess I just started watching you to see how it progressed. I don't know why really.. You just look so sad Draco… But I'm sorry, it's none of my business, so I'll just stop looking, I promise..." Great, now he was looking at me all funny, like I had gone insane or something…

"I'm…. I'm fine Granger. Thanks for noticing, I guess…" Ok, maybe he didn't think I was insane. He was feeling something, I could see it.. No, no, this was bad. It couldn't happen again… Oh Merlin, say something that you know will make him mad..

"Euhm yeah, you know with everything happening with your family and all, I can see why you would be sad..." Yes, that should do it… I could see the scowl already forming on his face… I know him so well...

"You're right Granger, it's none of your damn business! Go be a fucking know-it-all with Scarhead and the Weasel. I don't need your concern, so stop with the staring already, got it!" And just like that he was walking away from me again. I felt a sting in my heart and a tear escaping my eye. Why was I doing this again? To save his life right? And by saving his life, I have to condemn him to the bad side… condemn his soul... Pfff this is all so fucked up…

I didn't stop staring and he didn't stop staring back. He just didn't talk to me about it again. He just let me. My mind wandered back to "the first time around", that's what I'm calling it now…

" _ **Flashback"**_

 _I was walking down the corridor when I heard him._

" _Hey Granger, wait up."_

" _What, Malfoy?" I answered rather heated and annoyed._

" _Wow take it easy, I don't want to start a fight." Ugh that annoying smirk of his._

" _Then what, Malfoy?" Again I sounded annoyed. I actually didn't mean to sound like that._

" _Did you mean what you said on the train?" He asked timidly. Like he was a little scared of asking, or maybe afraid of the answer.._

" _Did I mean what exactly?" Oh I was going to make him squirm a bit._

" _Don't act dumb Granger, it doesn't suit you. What you said about us?" Oh now he was getting annoyed. I couldn't help but smile._

" _Yes Malfoy, I meant it. Why? You want to try it?" Now I was really smiling and I think I also gave him a little wink, I'm not really sure…_

" _Maybe..." Oh my god, he was actually smiling back at me. A real smile, not a smirk, but a real smile, and I liked it. The past years of bullying were just that, in the past. They just didn't seem to matter anymore. That Draco was just a facade I think, and this was the real Draco. I think this qualified as flirting. I'm flirting with Draco Malfoy, and he was flirting back with me. This year was going to be very interesting..._

" _Might be nice having someone intelligent to talk to every once in a while, instead of_ _those goons I'm use to.." He just complimented me. This is weird._

" _Well actually, I'm a little behind in potions. But if you tell anyone that, I will deny it. I could use a little help. Your the best in our class in potions, so… would you mind helping me?" I asked expectantly._

" _Well, if you could perhaps help me with Transfiguration?"_

" _Sure._ _It's a date._ _" I couldn't stop smiling. This was just so unreal._

 _W_ _e didn't actually set a date for the_ _studying_ _. It was just out there you know. A possibility. An open offer._ _We didn't really speak to each other either. We just gave each other fleeting glances._ _A smile wasn't on his face, but I could see it in his eyes. I saw it when he looked at me, w_ _hen passing one another in the hallways, or looking at each other from across the classroom or the great hall, and knowing that we could be more than enemies. It became a possibility after that day, after that one conversation..._ _I guess it had already become a possibility after that moment in the train..._

" _ **End Flashback"**_

The scowl that was on his face now, when he looked at me, was far from the smile in his eyes I saw 'the first time around'. "It's all for the best.." I kept reminding myself. "I'm saving him.."

"You saved me and my soul, Granger… My wonderful Granger..." Remembering that, I broke down again. It would be a long night of crying again…


	4. It's so hard to believe

**It's so hard to believe...**

There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed, if I just listened to it right outside the window  
There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this, And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit, that it's all coming back to me  
When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that  
 **It's so hard to believe** but, it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you want me like this, and if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me, I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper  
There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door  
And I made myself so strong again somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this, and when you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this, and when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this, If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

One morning at breakfast, I could feel Ginny looking at me. I knew what was coming next. I knew she could see on my face that I had been crying.

"Come on Mione, I know something is wrong, I can see it."

"No Ginny, I'm fine, really." I lied. I couldn't tell her right? She probably wouldn't believe me anyway. Or maybe she would believe me and just hate me for 'fraternizing with the enemy', as Ron would say it.

"Mione I know the boys don't see. They're just two dimwits sometimes, they don't see anything, but I do. I look and I see. You are in pain… Mione, please tell me what's wrong? Please? Whatever it is, I won't judge, I won't tell, just… don't deal with…, whatever this is…, alone. I want to help you. Tell me…"

Maybe I could tell her. This is Ginny, sweet Ginny, my friend… She would forgive me…

"I used the time-turner Ginny…"

"What? What for? How far?" She started bombarding me with questions.

"I turned back the year.."

"The entire year? Why? How? What happened? What do you have to change?" She looked at me curiously.

"I already changed it…" I broke down crying..

And so I took her to the lake, to have some privacy and I told her everything. I told her about getting closer to Draco and falling in love. I told her about his task and about the Deatheaters in the school, the vanishing cabinet, Dumbledore hinting at the time-turner, working on the spell, hearing his name on the radio among the death and missing, … I told her everything.

"Wow. That's all just… just so… Wow..." Ginny was looking at me wild eyed.

"Unbelievable right?" I awkwardly laughed.

"Well yeah, a bit. But I believe you Mione. There is just one thing I don't understand..."

"What's that?"

"Well why would you change anything at all?"

"What do you mean, Gin? I did it so he wouldn't die. If he doesn't fall in love with me, he doesn't betray Voldemort and he wouldn't be in danger. I did it to save him..."

"By condemning him?"

"Ginny?!"

"I'm sorry Hermione, but it's a bit like that isn't it? I mean he's going to be in danger anyway during the war. We'll all be in danger. That's how war works. The war will happen, we can't stop that. And if he makes it through it, then what awaits him? If the dark side wins, a lifetime of servitude to a Lord he doesn't even believe in, that he hates? A lifetime of unhappiness? Or if the light side wins, then what? The kiss from a dementor? Azkaban? Hated by everyone? I mean no matter how you look at it, either way, he's doomed. Condemned to being miserable his entire life, how long or short it might be. His soul condemned for making the wrong choice… At least when he had you, he did better. You and your love gave him the strength to fight back. It probably didn't matter to him if he died soon, because his life had been happy with you, even for a little while. And that can mean more sometimes than anything else. It gave him the will and motive to make the right choice. You gave him a reason Hermione. A reason to be a better man, to be a hero… And you took that away from him… Without him even getting a say in the matter… I don't mean to judge Hermione, you know I love you and I know you did what you thought was best, but is it? Is it really for the best? You were thinking with your heart Hermione. And the heart wants what it wants and it can be selfish sometimes to get it… You wanted him to live, no matter how, but by making that happen, you took away his whole reason for living in the first place. How do you know he wants to live like that. How do you know that he didn't die happy, knowing he died for you, for love. If he died at all. His name was called among the death and missing, but did they mention if he was dead or missing? He could very well have been in hiding. Trying to stay alive, to fight another day, for you… and your love. You didn't think this through Mione. You really didn't. That's not like you at all. I guess you both did things for love, things you normally would never have done."

I started to cry. I couldn't stop it. Everything she said made sense, why had I not thought this through…? "I...I just wanted him to live…."

"I know Mione, I know. But it's so dangerous to meddle with time like this. To change everything. I mean an entire year… those are a lot of events that were set in motion and then cut off suddenly. Who knows what kind of ripple that could make.. The consequences… who knows what else changed… You could have very well given him and the rest of us a fate worse than death. I mean you don't know do you, neither of us do. I can't believe Dumbledore suggested something like this… He probably had a reason, he always does, always see the big picture, I guess…, but for the life of my, I can't bloody well see it… When that conversation in the train, with you and Malfoy, didn't happen, it probably changed the timeline, creating a new one all together. Who knows what has been set in motion… oh Mione, this could be bad, really bad..."

"Way to put a guilt trip on me, Gin! As if that speech before didn't make me feel bad enough..." I cried.

"Well I'm sorry Mione, I don't want to make you feel guilty, but we need to be realistic about this. This could be dangerous, very, very dangerous. It could also work out for the better. We don't know. We don't know anything. I will help you either way though. Don't worry, I'm with you babe..." She gave me a little shove and smiled.

"Babe?" I laughed through the crying.

"Well yeah, or maybe hun, sugar, partner in crime?! We laughed so hard that I was crying again. Why couldn't this just be simple, easy…

"So…., you're just gonna keep staying away from him, huh?"

"Yeah. I still think it's for the best for now. I can worry about saving his soul later, right now, his life is more important..."

"Is it hard? Looking at him? Knowing what was and how it is now?"

"Excruciating. Especially with that Parkinson skank hovering around him all the time. Knowing he's supposed to marry her… Pfff it sucks! Love sucks! It's messy and dramatic and irrational and just plain painful!"

"It's also wonderful and romantic and the best feeling in the world..."

"It really is..." And there I went again with the crying. Merlin would it ever stop? I was gonna be dehydrated soon if I kept this up...

"It's gonna be okay. We'll get through this together..."

And so Ginny knew too. I wasn't alone anymore and that made me feel a little better. Just a little… After Ginny went back up to the castle, I stayed at the lake a little while longer, reminiscing about "the first time around" with him…

" _ **Flashback"**_

 _I_ _was taking a stroll outside just trying to find a nice spot to read, when I saw him. He was sitting on a large rock by the side of_ _the_ _lake. Hidden away from the castle, from the rest of the world..._ _looking out onto the water, deep in thought._

" _Malfoy." I almost whispered, but he heard me. He looked at me…, and he smiled. I couldn't help but smile back.._

" _Granger. Care to join me? It's very peaceful here.."_

 _A_ _nd I did join him. We just sat there in silence for a while, looking at the lake._

" _What's your favorite color, Malfoy?"_

" _What?"_

" _Your favorite color, what is it?_

" _Why would you ask me that?"_

" _Well, I want to get to know you, the real you, not just the schoolbully...And that's the kind of thing that friends should know about each other..." Did I just say that?_

 _He looked at me weird._ _I could see a little smile forming on his face. "Friends huh?" He said. I was blushing so hard that my freaking head quit possibly looked like a tomato…_

 _H_ _e noticed, but he didn't say anything about it. "Red." He answered._

" _You're kidding me right?" I couldn't stop laughing._

" _Nope, I'm completely honest about that, but if you tell anyone, I will deny it until my last breath. I've never told anyone. They would probably treat me like a freaking pariah in Slytherin if they knew." he laughed. But there it is. I love the color. It's so warm and romantic and it reminds of beautiful love stories. I have no idea why, it just does."_

" _Well, believe it or not, my favorite color is green. It reminds me of the beautiful fields near my house. Full of green grass and colourfull flower and sunshine. It just makes me feel warm and happy."_

" _Well aren't we a freaky pair." We couldn't stop laughing._

" _ **End Flashback"**_

That was such a fun afternoon. I miss that. Our talks, his smile…

Was Ginny right? Did I make the wrong choice? I wonder…?


	5. And I made myself so strong again

**And I made myself so strong again…**

There were nights when the wind was so cold  
That my body froze in bed, if I just listened to it right outside the window  
There were days when the sun was so cruel  
That all the tears turned to dust, and I just knew my eyes were drying up forever

I finished crying in the instant that you left  
And I can't remember where or when or how  
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made

But when you touch me like this, And you hold me like that  
I just have to admit, that it's all coming back to me  
When I touch you like this, and I hold you like that  
It's so hard to believe but, it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than any laws allow  
Baby Baby

If I kiss you like this, and if you whisper like that  
It was lost long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you want me like this, and if you need me like that  
It was dead long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
It's so hard to resist, and it's all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

There were those empty threats and hollow lies  
And whenever you tried to hurt me, I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper  
There were hours that just went on for days  
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances that were lost to us forever

But you were history with the slamming of the door  
 **And I made myself so strong again** somehow  
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then

But if I touch you like this, and when you kiss me like that  
It was so long ago, but it's all coming back to me  
If you touch me like this, and if I kiss you like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
(It's all coming back, it's all coming back to me now)  
There were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light  
There were things we'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right  
There were nights of endless pleasure, it was more than all your laws allow  
Baby, Baby, Baby

When you touch me like this, and when you hold me like that  
It was gone with the wind, but it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
Then we see what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

If you forgive me all this, If I forgive you all that  
We forgive and forget, and it's all coming back to me  
When you see me like this, and when I see you like that  
We see just what we want to see, all coming back to me  
The flesh and the fantasies, all coming back to me  
I can barely recall, but it's all coming back to me now

Merlin I missed him so much. I never thought I could miss someone this much. A year and a half ago I could hardly even stand to be in the same room as him and now it hurts to be away from him… But I had to make myself strong about this. I couldn't make the same mistakes again. If we were really meant to be, we would still be meant to be after the war, when we were safe… Maybe it had not been a completely thought-out decision, but it was a decision none the less. A decision I had made to my best judgment, to keep my love alive… I couldn't back down now. I could do this. I had been working on this for months when I was finishing the spell. Working on hiding my feelings… pushing them away so no one would see, no one would know… Harry and Ron didn't know. Well I suspect they knew something, but nothing concrete. They saw me working on a spell that had nothing to do with the horcruxes and they sensed I was always in a sad mood without any real reason. Well the reason had been the war of course, but they knew me well enough to know that that was not the only thing wrong with me… But they never asked, which I was glad for. They still don't actually. In this timeline, they can also see that there is something wrong, but I don't think they have the courage to ask me, or maybe more about how to deal with it if I tell them.

I had been getting more depressed with every passing day, since the beginning of the school year. And It wasn't just Ron, Harry and Ginny that were starting to notice. Some just thought it was simply because of the war, that we all knew was coming, but most of my friends knew that it was more than that, even more so when my grades started slipping. They just didn't know what it was that was bothering me and they didn't dare ask. Most of my grades were still the best in school, but my potions grade had been slipping. Even the fact that Harry was using that god-awful Half Blood prince book, didn't bother me as much as it did "the first time around". I couldn't even bring myself to care about that anymore. I just couldn't help it. I tried so much to act normal, but every time Draco would look at me in the Great hall, or pass me in the hallways, being in the same classroom as me, even if I could just smell his cologne when I walked along a corridor, that he had been in moments before, the whole in my heart just got even bigger. Every time he scowled at me or looked at me annoyed or with anger, was another shot through my heart. It was like I was slowly dying inside and I couldn't heal myself… Who knew that Draco Malfoy was gonna be the one to make my life whole, to make my heart whole, to make me whole…? If someone had said that to me a year and a half ago, I would have laughed in their faces and called them crazy. I guess that would probably go double for Draco. I can only imagine he never thought that he would give up everything just for me… To think that we started out hating each other. It's true what they say apparently, there is a fine line between love and hate. After hating each other for six years, that hate slowly turned into love and we became so close and I really think that it was simply meant to be… A great love, true love, like there have been so many in history. Faith knew we were perfect for each other from the start, even if we didn't. I guess it just needed a chance and some time to grow. But now, faith's having a good laugh I think. Build them up and then tear them down… Everything's gone to hell. Maybe I should have just died with him. A real "True love" story ending, right? Dying for our love, together… Perhaps that would have been better… Neither of us would have to suffer the loss of the other, and we would be together forever in the afterlife. What if that is how true love is just supposed to be? Can't be together in life, but you can in the afterlife, when you die… How is that fair? Is true love always doomed then? I mean just read the stories… almost every great love in history has ended badly. No one can seem to make it work… There are always to many factors keeping them apart or making them do horrible things to be together… Romeo and Juliet, Samson and Delilah, King David and Batseba, Tristan and Isolde, Cleopatra and Marc Anthony, Lancelot and Guinevere, Paris and Helena, Orpheus and Eurydice. None of them really made it. None of them got there true happy ending. Just be together without having to hurt others for it, without getting their hands "dirty"… There is never a happily ever after like in the fairy tales. If they didn't make it, why would we…? Gods this was just too difficult… I had to stop thinking like this…

Most of my free time was spend wandering the halls or hiding out in the back of the library. During my free periods when most of the student body was in class, I dared venturing into the Gryffindor common room, cause no one would be in there. When my friends would be in there, I always made myself scares. I was afraid that when someone would finally buckle up the courage to ask me about my behavior and my sad moods, I wouldn't have the strength left to lie, so it was easier to just avoid everyone. At the present moment, the only one I was talking to, was Ginny. That wouldn't work forever though. Sooner or later, someone was gonna notice my absence, come looking for me and finally ask me the question I have been dreading since the beginning of the year… "What the hell is wrong with you?"

It had been two days since I confided in Ginny about everything that happened and I was doubting my decision more and more each day. Had I done wrong by him? Did I make it worse? Had I been selfish? I had a free period, so I decided to go and pass the time in the Gryffindor common room for a while. I was walking down the corridor of the first floor while I was contemplating my possible wrong choices and I came across the girls' bathroom. That was Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, so I was hurrying to get past it. While I was passing it, I heard something that stopped me from walking. At first I thought it was just Myrtle making a fuss about something, but when I was passing closer to the half open door, I could hear that there was also a male voice crying en weeping, and not just Myrtle talking. When I stepped further inside, I could see a flash of white blonde hair before stepping back again. Stepping in further, this time, I saw Slytherin school robes and tie on the ground and I saw him standing over a sink, shaking from tears, with his head down… Draco… Wow this is so strange, I haven't been here before. This happened differently "the first time around". Harry had been the one to walk in on him… This is the new timeline. I'm the one finding him in here now, not Harry. What is already so completely different about this reality that makes me find him and not Harry? I can hear Myrtle speaking to him like she knows him, trying to sooth him, comfort him, like she knows exactly how to… Which means he has probably been here many times before, crying just like this. There was no fight in him now. When Harry found him, Draco immediately fought him. There had been a fire in him to keep his bad choices a secret and start making good ones. But now… he probably sees no way out. Merlin, I was suddenly feeling so guilty again… fearing with all my heart that my first thought about all of this and of course Ginny had been in fact right… "I condemned him…" I whispered on the verge of tears.

Suddenly Draco looked up and yelled: "Who's there?! I can hear you!" He had his wand, that had previously been lying next to him, firmly in his hand, ready to throw a spell at the intruder. I stepped out of the shadows and looked at his beautiful face. His cheeks all wet and his eyes red from crying. He looked so vulnerable, so desperate,… so in pain. I hadn't noticed that tears had started to fall from my eyes as well… I thought that when I would reveal myself he would get angry at me and force me to go away and not tell a soul what I saw, but he did quite the opposite actually. He probably saw the tears in my eyes and found it soothing not having to cry alone. "Granger…" He whispered. "Why are you crying?" He inquired. Very quietly I whispered "because you're in pain…" This was however not meant for his ears. I answered that question more to myself actually, but he heard me. I could see it in his eyes that he did. There was confusion in his eyes as a result to my answer, and something else that I couldn't quite place… It was a soft look however. Not harsh or angry or judgmental, just soft… But he didn't say anything about it. He didn't acknowledge that he heard me at all. He simply looked at me and asked: "Join me?" And I gave a simple answer: "Sure."


End file.
